Results tagged “SIGGRAPH” from Rendered Speechless

I just went to see Up. Holy crap. Say what you will about Pixar's elitist attitude toward its competition (not to mention potential employees who have the audacity to try to submit their reels at SIGGRAPH), but they really are the best storytellers in the business. I don't know how they come up with this stuff. Their latest work is absolutely NEVER predictable. Not once in the entire movie. I was glued the entire time and remain in a stupor over it even at this moment.

What I mean by "elitist attitude" is this: I read an article on CNN.com the other day about the movie, and for some reason this article had to make a thinly veiled dig at Dreamworks. Get this: "And though there are occasional pop-cultural references, such as those favored by Pixar's competition, in general the humor is organic to the story."

Ok, so what's your point? It's true that too many pop cultural references can kill a story's ability to become timeless, and that was a complaint I had about Shrek (besides the fact that he seemed too light on his feet). But did they really need to say that? Is their success not enough as it is? And by the way, WHO CARES? Shrek was a great movie whether it was filled with pop-cultural references or not. In fact, audiences loved that about it. Maybe that's what bugs Pixar so much, the fact that Dreamworks regularly gives them a run for their money using a different formula. But Dreamworks' success can in no way be Pixar's failure, so I don't see why such a thing even needed to be said. Surely the article's author didn't come up with that on his own. There had to be some sort of influence there. How rude.

But would I take a job from Pixar if offered? HELLS YEAH... maybe. There might be a personality issue there that's worth a little more research. Dreamworks? HELLS YEAH DEFINITELY. I've heard nothing but good things about their work environment and how they treat their employees. Frankly, some of my friends at Pixar seem a bit beaten down these days.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with the title of this entry. What this movie did was seal the deal for me. I'm outta here. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I'm outta here. It's time to finish what I started.

I just had the best movie credits experience ever. I've always had friends in the credits, but this was different. There are always those credits at the very beginning of the list, the elite few who basically run the show before you get to the big long list of everyone. And for the first time, I knew someone in that group. In fact, I know TWO PEOPLE in that group: John Halstead (Sets Supervisor) and Gary Bruins (Effects Supervisor). My friends have finally made it into management. In fact, Gary was in MY CLASS.

That's what seals it for me. It's time to make this happen. I'm outta here. Maybe Dreamworks is my in. It might even be where I stay. Maybe in August, maybe later, it doesn't matter. Timing is everything and when it happens, it will be perfect. I know it sounds like a cliche but it's always worked for me so shut up.

Now I have a web site to finish.

It never fails: Once you finally give up on something, suddenly it taps you on the shoulder and demands your attention. While I was in Denver last weekend a recruiter from Dreamworks called. She called the old cell phone which the ex-boyfriend hadn't canceled yet. I guess that was lucky. We finally caught up with each other this week and I have to say, while it was nice to be considered, I wasn't exactly thrilled with what I heard.

It's a better deal than Sony because they hire people for about 2 to 2 1/2 years at a time. That's still a contract and it still has an end. I don't like that.

It's in Los Angeles. I don't like that either. Actually the fact that it's in California at all isn't its biggest selling point right now. It doesn't matter how bad their economy gets, I'll still have to sell more than half my stuff before I can afford to live there.

But ultimately it came down to timing. I have committed the next 12 weeks to my current employer and Dreamworks is bringing people in over the next three to four weeks.

Oh well.

But even if it were a permanent, well-paid position, there's something that's been bugging me about this industry ever since I went to SIGGRAPH and started to see how it really works. Dreamworks is recruiting for a lighting TA position, which is good because it's not a night shift render wrangler. It's a step above and it has a clear career path. The problem is the career path itself, actually ANY career path in the industry these days. It has become so incredibly specialized that it no longer has a soul. A person can spend 96 hours watching an animated curtain open and close until it looks just right. Because that's what that animator does--animate fabric. A lighter can light the same scene a hundred times until it looks right. And then the next thing she does is light another scene. And another, and another. It's become an assembly line, monotonous and exhausting. And I have a problem with that.

I discovered when I was in the Viz Lab that above all things, I'm an artist. An artist loves the process as much as the result, often the ENTIRE process, not just one little piece of it. An artist has a voice--her work has something specific and meaningful to say, and she lives to make her point, if only to herself. And an artist has to say it no matter what. It's a compulsion, maybe even a mandate from the universe that she should send her thoughts and beliefs into the world. Now take that artist and tell her that her job is to dip the number 2 sable brush into the cerulean blue paint and hand it to someone else. And when she's done with that, dip another number 2 sable brush into the cerulean blue paint and hand that to someone else. And so on and so on and so on. Before you know it, that artist's spirit has been crushed by a detailed job description, her voice silenced by boredom and exhaustion. She ceases to be an artist anymore.

That can't be me.

I don't want to go make something red or blue, I have entire ideas that need to be realized. I don't know when they will be realized, probably not in the next 12 weeks because I'm on a ridiculous project schedule until then. But after that, when I start to have a life after five, I'm going to set a few things in motion. I wish I didn't have to wait, but the good news is that the house is finally clean, half my leaves are bagged up and I have a job for the next 12 weeks. As long as I can eat and pay the rent, I can wait. What happens after that remains to be seen. I'm not worried though. Things are finally working in my life and I don't see that changing any time soon.

So screw California. I want to buy a house. And I won't be giving my keys to some untrustworthy boyfriend this time, only to have them withheld later out of spite. But that's another story.

It's after 1am and I'm in bed with Nick at Nite on mute. The cat is under the covers curled up at my feet. It must be a kitty sauna in there since I'm running a fever close to 100. Oh well, I'm glad someone in this house is warm, because I'm freezing.

This is the second time in as many months that I've been sick. I know where I got this one (thanks Ardra!) but it's really frustrating that it hits me NOW of all times. I just started working out again two weeks ago. My boyfriend and I broke up last Tuesday. I've had to cut back on my hours so that I've basically taken a 25% pay cut, and now I might be missing work if I don't get rid of this fever. I'm on the verge of starting a new life and I don't even feel like living it--that's not a suicidal post-breakup thought mind you, it's a sick thought. My mind has energy my body finds repulsive. I HATE BEING SICK.

I understand that there is a process to life, just like there is a process to art. I don't understand speedbumps like illness--maybe it's the universe forcing me to rest--but for the most part I understand the process. The process is what it's all about. A weird thing happened after I sent off my reel to Pixar... instead of getting excited about a possible phone call, I just sort of thought, "eh." Really. After all that work, turning my back bedroom into a photo studio, freezing to death taking pictures in a car graveyard, staying up all night drawing, all I had to say at the end was "eh." It wasn't about the goal. Looking back, I don't think it ever was about the goal. It was about the process. The process itself is what made me feel alive, what got me out of bed every day and almost stopped me from going back to bed every night. And now I'm just fine if I never hear from Pixar. Sure, if they call I'll be out there on the first flight for an interview, but if they don't, it's really ok. Obviously I won't ever hear from ILM again, and that's ok too. First I thought, if they're going to treat their applicants this way, I don't want to work for them anyway (true), but again it's about the process. I would get there, get my tiny little studio apartment, and I would be working my way up to doing just one thing. I would get to Pixar and be doing just one thing. Just one thing. I've never been happy doing just one thing over and over, day after day after day. Never.

It's obvious to me now, I have to do this on my own terms. I have to be an artist. Not a lighter or a shader or a compositor. An artist. My own work, in my own time, on my own terms. My own stories. The entire process. This is what 2008 had to tell me about myself, and that's fine. I went in with a goal but also an open mind, knowing that the outcome could be completely different from what I thought I was going for. This is what I came out with, and I'm actually very happy with it. Now I can do whatever I want, however I want, from beginning to end.

But that changes the job game quite a bit. I'm done at Collin County in February. I have a freelance gig starting right after that, and it should take me through another couple of months. Still web. Do you know how much I hate web, how much I wanted Collin County to be the last web job I ever had? Well, it will keep me eating and paying rent so I won't complain. But I had to say that just once. I hate web. Ok more than once. I'm done now.

"Trust the process," I remind myself. The process of life does involve eating on a regular basis. I do know how lucky I am, really I do. And I like my boss. Heck, it's a lot of programming and very little design so I'll probably end up enjoying it before it's all over. I do like a challenge after all. And BWC pretty much cured me of wanting to be a designer. Not their fault, I'm just not good at putting so much effort into something to only have someone else's design picked, which they spent like five minutes on because they pretty much stole it from a bunch of other people's designs. Or to have 42 different logos rejected by the same client because they think they know our job better than we do. I can't deal with that. But with programming, either it works or it doesn't. I get it to work and I've accomplished something. I get it to work fast and I've accomplished a little more. Nothing subjective about it. And nothing personal. You always know when you've done it right, and it's not whenever some idiot with no concept of what you really do tells you so.

So the job situation changes. I do still need one, a permanent one. One with health benefits. I've been on Cobra since I quit BWC, but they renew their insurance in June and considering how things are going over there, there's no telling what kind of hillbilly scheme they'll come up with this year. But I digress. My goals are not about getting into entertainment now, they're about living a truly artistic life. And I have found North Texas to be probably the worst place to be an artist, at least the kind who needs the support of other artists. Not that there's anything wrong with old ladies painting watercolor bluebonnets, they just wouldn't get my creepy doll theme. Few people do, actually.

Denver, however, is a great place for an artist. They have classes, they have groups, and there's my mom, who as a painter herself, knows where to find all of them. There's scenery. What good is a plein air paint set if all you have is a view of 75? And there's also a job, with a medical simulation company. It's a programming job. I love programming. I left MultiGen because I hated the military stuff. But medical? Could be very, very cool.

And imagine having enough money, and perhaps even enough time (no mandatory Saturdays getting a film out the door) to own my own house and produce my own work. With the support of other artists, this could be exactly what I'm looking for. But I'm keeping my mind open, "trusting the process" as they say.

It's true though. If you focus only on the goal, getting it or not getting it, being there now or not being there yet, things fall apart. When I get on the treadmill at the gym I have to look at it as a process or I won't get on it again. When I create a piece of art, the enjoyment is in the creation of it or else I wouldn't do it. And as far as life goes, that's the process you have to trust most of all. Part of that process, unfortunatey, is seeing doors close. The end of a job, the end of a relationship, it's all part of a process to teach you what you need to learn, to get you where you need to go. We have what we need when we need it and when we don't need it anymore, it disappears. If you don't trust that you don't need it anymore, and you keep trying to hang on, you get stuck and you never go anywhere. You limit how happy you can ever be. You wake up one day and realize you've settled for less than what you can really have because you were afraid to see what else was out there. You have to let the doors close and the windows open.

So that being said, I'm looking for the windows right now. I'll still need a goal, I can't create art without one. But there are festivals, competitions, and there's always SIGGRAPH. There are plenty of deadlines to go around. I just need a stable job to support it all. And an idea of course, but I'm already working on that one. Look for that in a future post.

I wasn't even this exhausted when I went to SIGGRAPH.

Over Thanksgiving I gave up on painting and went back to photography. No regrets. I made a ton of shots of creepy antique dolls and came out with five good ones, one or two in particular were probably the best shots I've ever done of anything. I also already had three good shots of abandoned building interiors that I made a few years ago with some great light patterns. So that gave me eight photos. But that wasn't enough.

I was limited to moody studio shots against black in my little extra bedroom, so I needed some variety. I had this great idea to go to the CTC Auto Ranch just north of Denton on I-35 and take pictures of their cars. I've seen this place a million times going to and from Oklahoma, and I always wanted to stop. So I called them and asked if they ever let people take pictures and they said sure--a little reluctantly I thought, but maybe I was imagining it. It's $5 a person to walk through the yard and you can bring your camera. The hitch? They're closed on weekends. I had this brilliant idea on a Thursday night with a beautiful weekend coming up and a rainy Monday and Tuesday right after. So finally Wednesday of the next week I went out there and spent the afternoon. I did almost 200 shots, and again picked five of the best. And the people who work there are great. But being the overachiever I am, I still didn't feel like it was enough.

I had studio shots, some old interior shots and now outdoor shots with some really interesting light patterns. What I didn't have was created light, or even light that was taken from a reference but improved through art. So I sailed up 75 one day looking for fireworks stands. The first one I found was a white one with blue stars sitting against a spectacular sunset. This was a great opportunity because I knew that photography would give me either a great exposure on the sunset or a great exposure on the building, but not both at the same time. So I took multiple exposures and did a digital painting using multiple references. That picture is currently on my home page.

So... one more outdoor shot, although a little more creative than the others. I decided I needed two more fireworks stands because I needed it to be a series with different lighting in each. So I found another on a cloudy, cold afternoon and then one on an even cloudier, colder evening with headlights as the sole light source. I did digital paintings from both, again from multiple exposures (except for the afternoon shot, where one exposure was enough). Now I had a series.

In fact, I had four series: cars, fireworks stands, abandoned buildings and dolls. But it still wasn't enough. I had nothing purely conceptual, and no interiors with artificial light, which is pretty common in the world. And time was running out. Pixar had already taken their job posting off CreativeHeads.net, but before I went into a full-blown panic and subsequent severe depression I decided to check the career postings on their own site and see if the job might still be listed there. Not only was it listed, but the date of the listing was just the day before I looked for it. I was good for probably another week. So I went for it, and that's when it really started to get difficult.

I did a drawing in college that I've always been proud of, and I've even done an animation based on part of this drawing (see Bumps in the Night). So I decided to redo this drawing digitally. After finishing my fireworks stands late last Sunday night (I hope I never have to draw grass again), I took the afternoon off this past Monday, thinking I could start and finish the drawing in about 8 hours. I was way off. Luckily I had already taken Tuesday off in the hopes that I could get the reel edited together and sent to Pixar that day, but it turned out that I needed it to sleep, among other things. I worked on that drawing non-stop until 10am Tuesday morning. The weather was icy and the office was closed, so I would have been home anyway; I went to bed hoping I could get up at 2:30 and the roads would be drivable and I still could go to Richardson, get my new printed resumes and samples, and maybe get the reel edited and out the door. But when I woke up that afternoon things had not improved. In fact, everything was white. For a moment I had to wonder just how long I was out. And then I realized I wasn't leaving the house that day whether I liked it or not, so I might as well do one more drawing.

By about 3:45 Wednesday morning I had a digital drawing of my bathroom with the lights on and light coming through the window and hitting the wall (taken from some earlier photographic references). Not completely realistic but still interesting and a good interior study. I took a shower and got to bed at 4:30, thinking I'd take off Wednesday afternoon to finish everything up (go to Richardson, finish the last edits on the reel, put a book together and go to FedEx). I left work at noon and made it to Richardson but didn't make it back home until 3. I had bought an 8"x8" blank board book at Michael's that I could spray mount a cover, my resume, shot list and some samples into. It took two hours to cut the prints and spray mount them into the book. But it looked great when I was done. I put one of those adhesive CD sleeves on the inside cover and put the DVD inside, and then wrapped the whole thing in Christmas lights wrapping paper with a tag that said, "To: Pixar, From: Your Next Lighting TD." I attached a small keychain flashlight to the package and by this time, it was too late to go to FedEx. In fact, after I had spent 3 hours at my neighbors' Christmas party and then came back to perfect the DVD and wrap the package, it was about 2:30 Thursday morning.

I got it to FedEx on Thursday during my lunch hour. It cost me $50 to ship it overnight; since I had one more day in the week before Christmas, I didn't take any chances. So with the exception of going to work and doing my Christmas shopping in a record 30 minutes on Friday afternoon, I've been sleeping ever since. And I've been generally angry at the world, which I think is a reaction to the abrupt end of extreme stress, sleep deprivation and starting to drink Cokes again after I had quit. I'll tackle that last one in the list tomorrow and see if anything improves.

So now I wait, again. ILM has gone dark on me, I've pretty much given up on getting a response from anyone over there. But that just tells me that there's something better waiting in the wings. I'm out of a job at the end of February, and I've taken an $800/month pay cut just to ensure it lasts that long. So whatever is out there for me better show up pretty soon. But if it's always darkest before the dawn, I guess it's only fitting that it happens on the shortest day of the year. Look for the reel on my site to be updated in the next few days. Merry Christmas!

It's been a while since I've posted anything but I've still been busy behind the scenes. I rendered the missing frames from the hippo animation and edited the whole thing together just like the original, and posted it under a separate link on the site. I'm also tackling the more technical end of things. I came home from SIGGRAPH with four new books, the two most important ones (right now) being on MEL scripting and Python. I got through most of the MEL book (easy stuff) and then decided I needed to go straight to Python (a much bigger book). I also signed up for a class on shell scripting that's being held this coming weekend. I can get around in Linux just fine--used to do a good bit of development there--but some of those old Unix commands are hiding in the dark recesses of my memory. So this coming weekend I'll be tackling shell scripting from 8 to 5 on Saturday and 1 to 5 on Sunday. And depending on how that class goes, I might even sign up for the advanced class being held the very next weekend. But we'll see.

I left resumes and reels all over the job fair. For those who wouldn't take reels, or who I didn't get to talk to for whatever reason, I sent emails a little over a week ago. I sent emails to some I had talked to as well, just to follow up. The waiting game has definitely begun, and luckily I have plenty of learning (and relearning) to do in the meantime. But then last Friday I got an email from Sony Imageworks. They reviewed my resume and wanted to know if I was interested in an interview. Sure! So they sent me a test to evaluate some of the skills I would need as an employee, and if I do well I'll get an interview. I'm not at liberty to discuss what is on the test, but let's just say it definitely confirmed that taking this shell scripting class is a good idea! I've already tackled most of the test but I'm not totally comfortable with all of it, so I asked if I could delay sending in my answers until after I take the class. I almost didn't expect to be able to, because you're supposed to be able to turn things around quickly in the real world. But they said yes, take the time you need. I'm glad I have the chance to send in my best work and not rush through it. I do need practice with this stuff, I already knew that. Now I know just how much. So I'll stay busy for a while for sure.

So as the calls and emails continue to pour in over the next few months (I'm being funny there), I'm not going to go into my specific opinions on the different companies or people I talk to. I have my preferences right now, I know where I would like to go and what I would like to do, but I'm going to keep that to myself. You never know how your opinions might change when you meet new people, see new situations and have some real interviews. You also never know how your comments will be interpreted by potential employers. So until I have an actual job offer in hand, I'm sticking with the facts and saving the editorial for another time, and maybe even another place. I will say though that I haven't met anyone in this business that I don't have a high opinion of or at least didn't enjoy talking to at the show. The future looks bright. And my cell phone is now on me at all times.

It's not just about the new people I've met though. CG is a much smaller world than you would think, and I ran into plenty of old friends as well. Someone once asked me if I had any friends that would go out on a limb to help me get a job somewhere. The answer is an unequivocal yes. In fact, that's how I got my job at Multigen, and there's a good chance that's how I'm going to land the next job too. At least if everything works out the way I would like. But that is a mystery to be revealed at a later time.

I always hated the last day of SIGGRAPH. It's such a let down when everything is over, there's nothing more to see or do, your friends start flying home and you don't have any job offers. None of this is a surprise to me, and I guess it's worse this time around because I was actually here for more than just fun. But I had no illusions about the quality of my reel when I got here. I didn't expect a miracle, I just knew I needed to get my name out there, meet people and show them what I have. So the next time they hear from me they'll say oh, I remember her... and of course SIGGRAPH is never the end of the process, it's only the beginning. They take all the reels home and look at them and call in a couple of weeks if they're interested. But the last day is still a bummer. It's like the day after Christmas. All the presents have been opened and there are no more surprises. There's just no way around it.

I'll bet they go through the same thing at the Olympics. It's been really interesting to go to the hotel room at night and turn on the games, watching swimming or gymnastics and seeing that for all of us, no matter how hard you work, there's always an element of luck involved. SIGGRAPH is its own Olympics in a way, a mecca for intellectual and artistic overachievers rather than athletic ones. You work and work for months, even years, and you get your animation in or you don't. You get a job offer or you don't. You never know for sure if your effort will be rewarded, and no matter how much sleep you lose or how rejected you feel or even how successful you might have been, when you go home you start all over again. You have no choice. It's what keeps you alive.

I really have little to be disappointed about. I've been out of this world for six years and just jumped back into it four months ago. I met people who were genuinely interested in hiring me, even if it's as a pipeline programmer. And a couple of small miracles happened yesterday as well. I went to a round table discussion on lighting that included the lighting lead on Wall-E and a guy from Dreamworks, among others. The Pixar guy gave the best, most informative presentation of all of them and it was like the light bulb came on for me (no pun intended) in so many areas I didn't really understand before. I had a flash of inspiration and thought, I should go down there and talk to him when this is over. Then I thought, I probably won't do it. I'm a relatively shy person and I often have big ideas like this that when confronted with the opportunity, evaporate inside my own fear of looking stupid. And yet when the talk was over, I found myself going down the stairs to the front while everyone else was going up and out the door, and before I knew it I was talking to the guy.

I introduced myself and told him that I wanted to be a lighting TD more than anything. And I thanked him for his presentation because it was the best information I had gotten in or out of school about how they do things in the real world. He seemed to appreciate that, saying he was afraid he had been rambling too much. No way. In fact, he had said that on demo reels they like to see a lot of personal work, and they like to see that you can light something, even if it's in a photo or a painting. I told him that was really encouraging to hear because since I'm not in the industry, personal work is all I have, and I even threw some photos on my site the other day when Keith had mentioned the same thing. I told him that I had a backpack full of reels knowing full well that they represent a work in progress and as a result of his talk, I knew what my next steps had to be. He encouraged me to apply and send in my stuff, and so I offered him my card and he took it, checking to make sure my URL was on there. Given where my work stands right now I don't expect anything beyond that, but it was a small personal triumph. And he was a really nice guy. A lot of people have been talking here about Pixar's "elitist" attitude, how it stinks that they're not taking reels, etc. I didn't get that feeling at all from him. Not at all. As usual, it all depends on who you talk to.

Last night SIGGRAPH had their welcome reception at Dodger Stadium where we got tons of free food and watched the Dodgers play the Phillies. I've never been a baseball fan, in fact I always thought it was slow and boring. But I think after last night I understand it a little better. At least from my point of view, it's less about the game and more about the comradery among audience members. I think we were all bored. And after a while, someone started the wave and it went around three times. That felt like an accomplishment. A ball flew into our stands and someone caught it. During the 7th inning stretch everyone stood up and sang Take Me Out to the Ball Game. And there's a real person there playing a real organ! After a while it was just really cool. I took some shots on my camera phone. Maybe I can find a way to get them off there soon.

But I digress a bit. Because last night at the game I saw someone I hadn't seen in a long time. His name is David and I used to work with him at Multigen until he quit and went to Link in Arlington. As far as I knew he was still there, until Margaret started asking him if he knew people from the lab... this person, that person... I couldn't figure out why she was asking that until I looked at his badge. He's working at ILM and has been for a year and a half! And he gave me his card and said that I should go to their web site and if I see a job I like, let him know because recommendations from employees are taken very seriously over there. Wow. That's definitely on my to do list now. And the interesting thing is, my reel shows more realistic than creative lighting, which is more of an ILM skill than a Pixar skill. I may have more of a Pixar personality but I can do that kind of stuff on my own time. Seriously, who would complain about having to work on Star Wars? Not me.

So despite being a bit down today I have a pretty clear path ahead of me, even if it is a long one. I have a few online applications to make and some changes to my existing reel (basically fixing problems that shouldn't have happened in the first place). I need to do some artistic projects, paintings or otherwise, that show a very creative use of light. Then I need to start on the next project. I don't know what it is yet but I have time to think it through this time. It may be that 617 project I never finished, because I do really like the story. Or it may be something new. I don't know yet. All I know is I'm over the potato. It was a great way to learn Maya again but I can do much better than that. As I see it, I have three hours tomorrow on the plane to figure it out. And then I'm off and running again.

I had considered bringing the laptop even before I knew I would be working on my reel on the plane. Since I arrived I've made corrections to my reel, burned DVDs, updated my site, updated my resume, added a shot list, and emailed my resume to a recruiter. This thing is killing my neck and shoulders as I carry it mile after mile in my backpack, but I don't know what I would have done without it. I learn something every day about how I can improve my site and/or my reel and if I hadn't been able to act on those things immediately it would have driven me nuts.

So the job fair wraps up tomorrow and it's been kind of a weird experience. Yesterday I went from booth to booth leaving reels for those who would take them and gathering information from the rest. Of course Pixar's not taking reels, they say "apply online." Yeah, right. I left a reel at Digital Domain (The Mummy), dropped one off at Blue Sky (Horton Hears a Who), left one at O-mation (they do some stuff for Nickelodeon), and then actually sat down with someone at Nickelodeon who looked at my reel right then and there. They're looking for lighters. He liked my lighting and wants his lighting guy to look at my reel, but he's in India for 2 weeks so I have to apply online and then he'll flag my application for this other guy to look at. That's the most encouraging thing that happened on the first day, and it happened early so that pretty much gave me the confidence to go on.

I had two discussions yesterday that were kind of interesting. I went by Rhythm & Hues (Incredible Hulk) and told them what I was looking for and what my experience was. I'm in a weird position because since I'm out of school I can't get an internship, but at the same time I don't have experience doing actual shot work and most of them will only hire an intern or someone with industry experience. So this guy at R&H tells me I would be a good fit for their apprenticeship program. They pay for your travel out there, they pay you while you're there and they pay room and board while you're there. A lighting apprenticeship lasts about four weeks and they hire 50%-75% of their apprentices. Sounded like something worth looking at.

I had another interesting conversation with a girl at Sony Imageworks (Monster House) who said I would start there in the render pipeline, especially with my programming experience, and then work my way out into lighting. She said that's a common path for lighters and it really didn't surprise me at all since I don't even have so much as an internship under my belt. Apparently Sony hires directly from its own render department all the time, you just have to get in there, get to know people and make a name for yourself. I can do that.

So I figured that was it for yesterday until I was walking to the animation festival and saw a booth in the lobby all by itself. It had a giant panda next to it. It was Dreamworks (Kung Fu Panda) and I asked them why they were out there all alone. They told me they were just directing people to their recruiting suite upstairs and if you had a reel they encouraged you to go up there. So I did. Man, they had a setup. Life-size graphics from the movies they've done, couches, even a receptionist. I gave them my stuff and they told me they'd be looking at it during the week and then contacting people for interviews in the next couple of days. Wow, ok, I'll give that a shot for sure.

So last night ReelFx and the Viz Lab had a joint happy hour in the parking lot across from the convention center. This is what I was really looking forward to, and Margaret had told me she would introduce me to David Parrish, who is a former Vizzer and was looking for people. I'm not sure what Margaret's title is exactly but she's basically the glue that holds the lab together. She organizes everything, she knows the recruiters, she knows it all. So she introduced me and I gave him my reel and he said, "Have I seen this before?" So I said, "Maybe, I gave one to Tim a few months ago at a Short Guys meeting." He then told me that they don't have any openings for lighters so they might not be able to squeeze me in this week. Huh. Ok. That was a bust.

So Margaret's telling me how great I look and I tell her that I was dressed up to do the job fair thing. She says, oh don't do that anymore. We have contacts, I'll introduce you. So I caught her at the A&M exhibit this morning and she took me around. We went to Pixar first, where she introduced me to a guy who came through the lab after me and is now a shader writer. Then Keith comes by. Keith and I were there at the same time. This is all looking encouraging for about a minute until they tell me that they hire interns or people with industry experience and that's it, period. But oh yeah, I'm doing the right thing working on my own and I should keep doing it. Really? Because it doesn't sound like it's going to make a difference because I can't be an intern and I still don't have experience. But at least I got some confirmation that I was on the right track, and I still believe one of these days it's going to pay off. I have to believe that. Besides the fact that I'm happier now than I've been in years, too many things have magically fallen into place since I made the decision to go back into cg. That's not a coincidence. And the visit wasn't exactly a bust, I found out something from Keith that I didn't know before, and Margaret said she had never heard it either. They like to see work other than cg on a lighting reel, such as photography. I couldn't get to my laptop fast enough after he said that. I just happened to have the digital photos I took in Cisco a few years ago and they're the best examples of creative lighting I have anywhere. I had those posted on my site within a couple of hours.

So then Margaret takes me back by the Rhythm & Hues booth and introduces me to Ruth. I like Ruth. Ruth is very cool. She knows the company I used to work for doing flight sim and she knows what kind of work I was doing. She says, you would be great in the render pipeline. So here's that pipeline thing again. It's still not a surprising response to me, I know plenty of people who had to pay their dues there. And once again, it's a common starting point for lighters. But she loves that I have all that programming experience and seems really excited about looking at my resume and my work. So I tell her I dropped it off the day before and they marked it for an apprenticeship. She gets this look on her face. "Ok, it's going to get sorted wrong. I'm going to take you out of there. Can you email me tonight?" Yes. So she writes down her info and tells me to send her my resume. I had it to her after lunch. You know why? BECAUSE I BROUGHT THE LAPTOP.

I started to wander around after that and found the ILM booth. They were taking reels. Interesting... Pixar and Imageworks weren't taking them (can you imagine how many DVDs they'd be hauling back to their hotel rooms?), but just as many people want to work on Star Wars and Lucasfilm is actually taking reels and looking at them. How nice of them. So I left them one. And that was the end of my job search for today.

Originally I had followed the SIGGRAPH job fair path, which took you through creating a CreativeHeads.net profile and looking at job postings through that system. And that system said who was going to be at the job fair and who wouldn't. Well forget that, it's only a small slice of what's really happening here. The big studios had booths in the exhibition already and they handed out recruiting info and those who were interested collected reels. They don't have to go through CreativeHeads.net, they have their own systems, they don't need the help of a job search site. This is something I thought might be a possibility in the beginning but wasn't sure, so that's why I burned so many DVDs. Glad I did. Because the big ones are definitely here and I'm glad I didn't rely completely on what SIGGRAPH was telling me.

I have to say that overall I've been pleasantly surprised with the response I've been getting. No one has said, "You can't do this." Even Pixar said basically I may have to do something else first, maybe work somewhere else first, but they didn't just say no, you missed your window. What's really encouraging is that they all seem to be actively hiring. And the biggest surprise of all to me is the fact that all that boring military work I did for four years just might be my ticket in the door. I knew it would help, but I didn't know it would help that much. So we'll see over the next couple of weeks if I hear from anyone.

You know what scares me? Los Angeles.

I created four shots to light and shade before SIGGRAPH, but I'll be focusing on just one this weekend. This shot will be the basis for my promo materials. I'll light him in this scene and then render him without the background, leaving him on a small area of tile (no step) on a white background. That should make a pretty versatile image for print. This and the other three stills will be my focus until SIGGRAPH, and hopefully only for the next week as I would still like to give people something to see before they get on the plane to LA. Beyond that it will be too late, and one week in advance of the show is REALLY cutting it close as it is.

Currently all four shots are lit with Maya's default light and they all use a basic white Lambert shader. Using a white shader makes it easy to set up the key and fills without getting confused by shader complexity and color bleed. Once the basic lights are set up I'll do the shading and then come back to the lighting, making sure everything works together like it should. The next update will still use the white Lambert but the lights should convince you it's an early morning scene. Once I pull that off, the shaders are just gravy.

I consolidated the slide show tonight, taking it down to only six categories. Navigation is a lot easier now. The four shots I set up last night and tonight are included in the new Lighting & Shading category, and I hope to show a progression for each one through lighting, shading, tweaking the lights and then the final render. And all in a week if I'm lucky. And since we're hoping for miracles now, we might as well look for 99c gas and affordable health care while we're at it. And peace in the middle east. Maybe even a presidential candidate to vote for rather than against. But I digress.

Did that sound pessimistic? Actually this is the most optimistic I've been in a while. I'm sure I can do one shot this weekend and do it well. I always want to do more and I always want it to be perfect, but like I said a few posts ago, quality is more important than quantity. I'll be writing that on a few hundred post-its and putting them around the house soon.

The rig is almost done. I still need to add some influence objects in his fingers and shoulders to help them retain their shape when the joints bend. I also want to do a blend shape that turns his mustache up or down according to mood. I've hidden the extra parts here and put him in xray mode so you can see the skeleton and controls better. Did you know a potato has knees?

I got desperate this weekend trying to get the rig to work and decided that one way or another I was going to get those Maya 3 files open. So I tracked down my old Maya CD (I really do keep everything) and installed it on my Dell laptop running XP. I wasn't sure if it was going to work considering I used to run it under NT, but it did work and I was in business. I grabbed the files I got off backup a few days ago and tried to open one... error. And that told me it wasn't a Maya version problem, it was a file corruption problem. I would have given up at that point except that when I was digging for the Maya CD I also found all my animation files on CD. So I had another copy of them backed up directly to CD from Windows. Those files worked in both versions. Within minutes I was looking at the rig I had been needing all along.

You know what? That rig wasn't that great. But it gave me a place to start and now I have a working rig for the potato. Note to self: Don't back up Windows files using Mac OS9. Not that OS9 is an option anymore, but lesson learned. (When in doubt, zip your files first.)

So I have less than three weeks left and ideally I need to have something on my site in about one week, so as much as I hate it I've had to make a hard decision. Considering what I want to do in this field is lighting, animation is not my priority. I like following the logical order of production but in this case I need rendered images and I need them fast. So I will set the bar a little lower and hope I can fly over it. I'm going to use the rig to pose the potato in three key static poses (one from each scene), and then texture and light the hell out of them. Worst case, I'll have three really good rendered images on my site before SIGGRAPH. Best case, I'll get that done in a week and go ahead and animate it as the last step. I'm not expecting that to happen though (at least not to my high standards) so I'm going to put the bulk of my remaining energy into texturing and lighting. And I'm going to try not to be mad about it.

I used to know how to do this. In fact, I save everything; I even have my Maya files from my animation class back in 2001. So I dug them up, hoping to remind myself of how I rigged my characters. You know what? Maya 8.5 won't open a Maya 3 file. So much for that.

So I read the chapter on character rigging in my Maya book and found a couple of tutorials on the Internet. It wasn't the in-depth training I was hoping for but it was enough to get me started. And it's interesting, once I started organizing my models for different scenes, little things started to come back to me. For instance, I was in the middle of creating different facial and clothing setups for different scenes, and it suddenly occurred to me that I could add an attribute to my character and write an expression that turns different setups on and off according to that attribute. So I created an attribute called "Setup," which can be set to "normal," "morning," "day" or "night." Then I wrote an expression to turn on or off the different setup groups depending on how that attribute was set. The pic below shows "normal" next to "morning." And instead of showing and hiding things manually, all I had to do was use a drop menu.


Of course any seasoned Maya veteran probably thinks that's pretty basic knowledge, but I'm accessing parts of my brain that haven't been used in over six years. I'm just glad something's still there.

Speaking of buried knowledge, I got my animation project web site files off backup as well. Going through that site was beyond enlightening. I found a story synopsis I wrote but never developed. It was really smart, I'm going to have to put that on the future project list for sure. I'd also like to redo the project I did develop; I've considered that for years because it was a really good concept. I wish I had posted more information on the project I did develop but what I did post brought back a few things about modeling that I wish I had thought of earlier. The biggest find though was a presentation I did on advanced lighting techniques. It may even be a miracle I found it because I think I was about to embark on a pretty inefficient approach. Now I remember what I need to do, and finding that information even prompted a revision to the schedule. Lighting before texturing, not the other way around. It's starting to make sense again.

And you know what? I did some pretty good work back then, considering there was no such thing as an ambient occlusion pass. Can't wait to see what I can do now.

Somehow I still have to work in some serious web site revisions this weekend (and some serious sleep). Given the lack of official recruiting at SIGGRAPH by companies I was hoping to see, I'm going to have to get my name out there ASAP in case I can meet with anyone on the side. At least I have some friends in high places.

This is my latest weeknight yet. I'm sure glad it's Friday.

Finally, I can check "model character" off my to do list. All the latest models are posted in the work in progress slide show, and despite the hack I put in the ActionScript the other day I still find that I have to clear my cache before the new xml file will load. Annoying. But they're there, bunny slippers, shower cap and all.

I took out the links to the old car wash, bathroom and character slide show pages, which meant updating (or deleting) links in some old entries as well. Anything that linked to the old bathroom page now links to the work in progress page instead, and one car wash page link was deleted. I'm surprised it wasn't harder than it was to clean those out. My next task will be to consolidate some of the categories in the current slide show, but not tonight. I'm three days behind starting the rigging and I really have to get on that before I start anything else.

I have a great idea for an update to my home page before SIGGRAPH but it will involve a little more modeling, some extra texturing and a little extra lighting. I haven't decided if I'm going to do that yet, it all depends on how fast I can get the rigging and layout done. If I can make up three days by Friday I'll spend a day this weekend getting my site updated. I want to have it ready well in advance of the job fair so when I create my profile on CreativeHeads.net and put in my URL, visitors won't be bogged down with a bunch of graphic design crap before they find what they're looking for. I'm going to leave my idea as a surprise though. I'm optimistic I can pull it off and yet I don't know why. I really have no reason to think I can squeeze in some extra work when I'm already behind. But it's just like me to try.

Think I'll get in bed with my sketchbook and iron out a design. It's only midnight...

Wait.

I just checked CreativeHeads.net again. They finally posted who's recruiting at SIGGRAPH. Basically, it's no one I was hoping to talk to. There are two or three companies I'd be interested in but they're not looking for a lighter, in fact one of them is looking for a web developer. SERIOUSLY??? Forget it. This throws a serious kink in my plan. I'm going to have to get creative. I'm going to somehow have to get my URL to the right people before the conference and hope I can meet up with someone while I'm there. More difficult, but possible nonetheless. Someone is testing me to see how badly I want this. Ok, fine. Do that. Test me. I'll pass. It's too late to give up now.

I'm a few days late in writing this but it's probably for the best. It's been a stressful, even emotional week and as I sit here in bed with my laptop I finally feel like I have enough of a grip on everything to finally put down the whole story. So here goes the Rendered Speechless Prequel, the post that explains it all.

I quit my job last Wednesday. I have accepted a 6-month contract position with Collin County to work on their HUGE web site. Sound crazy? Well, it might be, and then again it might be the best decision I've made in a long time. I started looking a few months ago for a full time job because I felt like I was in over my head at my current job. I was perfect for that position two years ago when our projects were brochure sites, but now we're getting requests for content management systems and other technical requirements that I personally don't understand very well and don't have the time to figure out, at least not there. So having taken my web team as far as I could, I decided it was probably time I moved on, and hopefully into a position that would teach me more about web development than I had been able to learn so far. The Collin County job appeared on my radar months ago thanks to a friend of mine, but I immediately dismissed it because it was a contract position. I need stability and I need that health insurance. So thanks, but back to the drawing board.

Weeks turned into months and I couldn't find anything that fit. Design, development, you name it, it didn't feel right, I was underqualified, I was overqualified. I applied, I sent out resumes, I got no response. I saw jobs I had applied for disappear off the boards without so much as an email of rejection. I was frustrated and trapped. And the frustration of knowing my team needed a more skilled leader started to show through in my attitude at work and my stress level. Something had to give, but I was running out of options.

One day in February I got an email invitation to a Wednesday night showing of some animated shorts at UTD. Sounded like it was up my alley but I know how lazy I can be and it was a last minute decision to actually show up there. But I did, and I was inspired. Something that had been asleep inside me for a long time started to open its eyes and look around. I walked out thinking, "I need to be doing this again."

And that was the last I thought about it. At least until March, when I applied for yet another job and saw the posting disappear seemingly right before my eyes. It was a position a mile from my house in McKinney, and getting rid of my commute to Richardson was looking really, really good. The job itself wasn't the most exciting but I knew I could do it and probably quite well, and getting home at 5 would be a welcome change. I built a killer application, I got my hopes up. And then, poof. Gone.

So that night at about 11:30, having nothing left to lose except sleep, I looked at the ReelFX web site, which was as far as I was concerned the Portal of the Unattainable Dream. I explored, I looked at their job postings. I saw one I liked: Lighter/Compositor. It was my passion at the Viz Lab; I knew I could do it but it's been a long, long time. I filled out the form and applied anyway. What could it hurt? I knew I wouldn't hear back, but at least I would have finally applied for something I really wanted. I would have responded to disappointment by taking action.

And then something strange happened. As I sat there contemplating what I had just done, thinking of how much laughter my work would get if someone at ReelFX actually looked at my site, I started to wonder, why not build a new reel? I've already applied so I won't be rushed to come up with something brilliant before the posting is gone, instead I can take my time while I wait for the next one to go up. And by then perhaps they will recognize my name. You never know. But it was a big job. Could I do it? Could I tackle something that huge in my free time and see it through?

And then reality hit. What free time? I feel like when I'm not working, I'm in my car either going to work or coming from work. My life was about work and whatever it took to get there, leave there, or just plain keep the job itself. If I were to take this on, something had to change.

But that's where it got complicated. I already needed a new job, but I couldn't just get another full time job and quit in 3 to 6 months when I got my reel done and got the job I really wanted (optimism). "Sorry, didn't really want this job, had something better in mind..." Uh, no. That wouldn't be fair. What I needed was a CONTRACT job, something that would pay the rent and be closer to home. Something that had a beginning and an end, so there would be no surprises when I left.

Gee, didn't I hear something about a contract web developer job at Collin County?

Sure enough, the posting was still up. So I applied and here I am, ready to start on June 23. And as if I haven't given enough reasons why this is a good idea already, here's the biggest one of all. I'm going to learn a TON here. I'm going to learn what I couldn't learn at BWC because I didn't have time and didn't know where to start. So no matter what happens, in 6 months I'll be more marketable as a web developer than I ever was before. There's even a chance I could replace my boss when he leaves to go into politics. If I need to stay in this industry, I can. But I'm hoping I won't.

So that's it. It was just a few days after I made the decision to get back into animation that I got the invitation to the Short Guys portfolio review, and the rest is history (see the "How to be a lighter/compositor" post from last March). I took that as I sign that I was on the right track, probably for the first time since I decided to go back to school. It's been just over 3 months since I decided to go back into CG and look how far I've come. Not only that, but they've already hired my replacement at BWC, someone I recommended. That's right, in only 2 days they've hired one of my former students to take over my position, and she's someone who was not only in between jobs at just the right time, but who can really take that web team where it needs to go. Things seem to be working out all the way around.

So I have one more week at BWC, a short trip to Austin and then Lake Bridgeport, and then I'll be getting off at 5 every day, just a mile from home. It's getting very close to SIGGRAPH already, and I plan to have a reel to show at the job fair. My evenings are about to get very busy. But at least it won't be because of traffic anymore. Stay tuned!

One last happy thought: I saw Kung Fu Panda last night. Awesome! It inspired me (so to speak) to make an inspiration page. It contains screen shots of all the CG scenes I could get my hands on that showed interesting or just plain beautiful lighting. I may also add paintings and photos and any other examples I can find of creative lighting. Right now it's mostly comprised of Pixar's work but hey, might as well start at the top.

It's nice to have a passion again.

So April is almost over and I'm still modeling the bathroom. Aggravating, but not a surprise considering last week was a total loss due to unnecessarily long work hours and some personal issues that needed taking care of. Things are about to change for the better but making that change has required a great deal of attention lately, in addition to my being made the owner's personal designer on a last minute project on top of my already time-consuming duties. By the time the weekend got here I was exhausted and spent most of it sleeping. Now I'm up late again, but at least it's for the right reasons. I decided to do the subdivision surfaces tutorial tonight to remind myself of the workflow, and now I'm considering redoing the sink again. But not before I model the toilet. Then I'll consider it. Knowing me, I'll probably end up doing it. The faceted polygon approach taught me a lot but left me with... well... facets. And subdivision surfaces would probably serve me better.

I have a new schedule due to some of the changes about to take place in my life (which I can't talk about yet). One thing I know for sure is that I'm going to SIGGRAPH this year. I booked the flight and the hotel, but I'm waiting until closer to July to register so I can spread out the costs. It makes sense now to set my deadline for August, and that means I can relax a little and take my time doing this right. I can really make it good if I can keep from rushing through it. There is no longer a sense of urgency about this, although there is a definite desire to make consistent progress and not continue to lose entire weeks of my life due to others' lack of planning and respect for my time. I will explain everything in another month or so, but for now, just trust me. This is a good thing. I can't predict what will happen at work over the next few weeks, and there's a lot I can't control, but at least I've started again, and I'll keep going until the next stupid thing happens. One stupid thing at a time.

That would be really funny if I had a model of a toilet to show. And to be honest, it was a productive day even without doing a new model. I ran a couple of errands today, had an important meeting (which I may be able to discuss at a later time), found out a new hubcap will cost $84 at the dealership, and spent three hours paying bills and catching up on my financial record keeping. I can't really look back on this day and say I didn't accomplish anything. It all had to be done, and it got done.

I also did a little research on this year's SIGGRAPH. I'm tempted to go. Actually, I'm a lot more than tempted, although a little too broke to pull it off. But it's early enough that it still may be possible. Registration for a full conference pass is crazy expensive ($850), then there's hotel and air fare. And food. At least there's time to plan... it's not until the middle of August and it's only April. I haven't paid off the credit cards yet but by the time I need to make a decision in July they should either be paid off or negligible. I should probably just decide to go and then go. Inspiration like that is worth any price. Maybe even air fare.

Well, it's after 10:30. At least I can still study some mental ray before bed.