I'm sitting in the Denver airport thinking about how much I hate my contacts. I really hate my contacts. My optometrist would try to sell me on a new brand every time I got my eyes checked and for a few years I was able to fend her off. This last time though, she sent me home with a sample that seemed just as good, if not better, than what I had been using for the last seven years. So I switched. They were more expensive, you change them every two weeks instead of every month, and they allow your eyes to breathe a little better, which she said was good for someone like me who has dry eyes. I thought, ok, healthy is good. Why not.
Well here's what actually happened. I spent more money on contacts that make a nice glowy cloud on anything with a light on it, I can't ever remember if I've been wearing the current pair for one week or two, and you know what happens when you add MORE air to already dry eyes? Yeah. You probably do.
I finally have a vision plan. Perhaps I should find a new optometrist a little early this year. I'll see if I can find one that's not getting kickbacks from Acuvue. I've cleared a lot of weeds out of my life over the past year that were clouding my vision--bad career choices, bad relationships. Can't I at least get a decent pair of contacts? I'm tired of only being able to see metaphorically.
(Fed up. Takes out contacts, rolls them into a ball, flicks them across airport. They're two weeks old anyway. Or three? Now think... when did I go to Napa...)
Ahhh glasses. Sometimes you have to forego good looks for clearer vision. That seems to be a theme with me lately as I start to define where I stand on a lot of things, mainly political. I can't care anymore about what other people think, I can't care about my image. I can't care if I get approval from the popular kids. I have to strive for the clearest vision at whatever cost. I have to strive for what's right, not what's pretty or acceptable. And some of my values are neither right now. And I'm finally tired of caring.
They've been bothering me, the attacks from the "popular" kids. They really have. But I'm letting go of that. Because the only people who have attacked me for what I believe are the ones who have yet to even ask me what I believe about anything. I made one comment one day and I was immediately stereotyped and personally insulted. I'm very sensitive to that kind of thing and I've been hanging onto it longer than I should. But it recently occurred to me that it wasn't the lack of approval that bothered me, it was the lack of interest. The way they acted like I wasn't even worth the effort to get to know at all, but I was definitely worth kicking around for an easy punch line. Being used like that is what really burns.
If they took the time, they would find out we have much more in common than they think. But they don't want to take the time. And that's their loss, not mine, and I have to remember that.
The point is, I'm not buying their cloudy, expensive contacts, or even their rose-colored glasses, and I'm more than ready for them to know it. I don't want to see the world the way they do, where they criticize and attack what they don't even want to understand because it gets points with their hateful friends. When you think about it, who wouldn't rather see clearly what's right in front of them than hide their eyes out of peer pressure? Unfortunately, not enough of us. So no matter how their rejection makes me feel at any given moment, I have to follow my conscience and I have to stay true to my own voice, because an artist cannot lie and still be an artist. That would make her a parrot at best, a passionless reflection of someone else's ideals. And what I want for myself in 2010 is to find out exactly what kind of artist I am and what it is I really want to say and just say it. Whatever it is, it has to be honest and it has to be brave, or else no one will listen at all. Least of all myself.
Actually I know what I want to say. I just have to figure out how to say it in a way that's not so likely to be dismissed. Because I'm really SICK of being dismissed. I can't make them stop though. I just have to be smarter, louder, and harder to ignore. One down...
Well here's what actually happened. I spent more money on contacts that make a nice glowy cloud on anything with a light on it, I can't ever remember if I've been wearing the current pair for one week or two, and you know what happens when you add MORE air to already dry eyes? Yeah. You probably do.
I finally have a vision plan. Perhaps I should find a new optometrist a little early this year. I'll see if I can find one that's not getting kickbacks from Acuvue. I've cleared a lot of weeds out of my life over the past year that were clouding my vision--bad career choices, bad relationships. Can't I at least get a decent pair of contacts? I'm tired of only being able to see metaphorically.
(Fed up. Takes out contacts, rolls them into a ball, flicks them across airport. They're two weeks old anyway. Or three? Now think... when did I go to Napa...)
Ahhh glasses. Sometimes you have to forego good looks for clearer vision. That seems to be a theme with me lately as I start to define where I stand on a lot of things, mainly political. I can't care anymore about what other people think, I can't care about my image. I can't care if I get approval from the popular kids. I have to strive for the clearest vision at whatever cost. I have to strive for what's right, not what's pretty or acceptable. And some of my values are neither right now. And I'm finally tired of caring.
They've been bothering me, the attacks from the "popular" kids. They really have. But I'm letting go of that. Because the only people who have attacked me for what I believe are the ones who have yet to even ask me what I believe about anything. I made one comment one day and I was immediately stereotyped and personally insulted. I'm very sensitive to that kind of thing and I've been hanging onto it longer than I should. But it recently occurred to me that it wasn't the lack of approval that bothered me, it was the lack of interest. The way they acted like I wasn't even worth the effort to get to know at all, but I was definitely worth kicking around for an easy punch line. Being used like that is what really burns.
If they took the time, they would find out we have much more in common than they think. But they don't want to take the time. And that's their loss, not mine, and I have to remember that.
The point is, I'm not buying their cloudy, expensive contacts, or even their rose-colored glasses, and I'm more than ready for them to know it. I don't want to see the world the way they do, where they criticize and attack what they don't even want to understand because it gets points with their hateful friends. When you think about it, who wouldn't rather see clearly what's right in front of them than hide their eyes out of peer pressure? Unfortunately, not enough of us. So no matter how their rejection makes me feel at any given moment, I have to follow my conscience and I have to stay true to my own voice, because an artist cannot lie and still be an artist. That would make her a parrot at best, a passionless reflection of someone else's ideals. And what I want for myself in 2010 is to find out exactly what kind of artist I am and what it is I really want to say and just say it. Whatever it is, it has to be honest and it has to be brave, or else no one will listen at all. Least of all myself.
Actually I know what I want to say. I just have to figure out how to say it in a way that's not so likely to be dismissed. Because I'm really SICK of being dismissed. I can't make them stop though. I just have to be smarter, louder, and harder to ignore. One down...
