Life in general: October 2009 Archives

Yep, that's me this week. Dead Girl Walking. I've worked every day and night this week. I had 40 hours in by Wednesday, not counting what I did over the weekend. I wanted to take tomorrow night off but there's one function on the web site that's giving me trouble so it doesn't look like it will happen. I have an actual deadline this time. They're going to start testing the auction part of the site on Monday, and there's a lot left to do. I also have plans on Sunday with a friend and while I know damn well I shouldn't go, I'm going. I need to get out of here and I've put him off for months. So that leaves tomorrow night and Saturday, period.

I'm really beat. I've given up on dinner this week and replaced it with cookies. I can't get in the shower at night before 1am. The apartment stinks from five-day-old dishes. If I had wanted to do nothing with my life but work, I would have gone into advertising.

I remember working hard in grad school. 12 to 16 hour days seven days a week. We at least got Christmas, and summer, somewhat... this Christmas will still be about the web site. I haven't had a vacation in three years. Grad school was easier somehow. I had stress, that's for sure, but I don't remember it ever making me nauseous for days at a time. But back then, all that was riding on my work was a grade. This time, it's an entire business. This affects far more than just me.

I'm too old for this. The day job is great but it's tiring, and too hard for me to be this stressed out after I leave at night. It's a 100mph job and it's the easiest thing I have in my life right now. It's quickly becoming the only break I get. In fact, we had a halloween-type party tonight at the bar on the other end of the floor--I think we had about 30 people crammed into that one cube (and yes there is a bar in the cube, complete with bar stools, grass skirts, inflatable palm trees, and a toilet with a hand coming out of it to welcome you at the door). There was punch that tasted like a giant pink margarita with dry ice to make it all smokey. People were throwing a roll of tp at each other. It trailed down the hallway between the cubes. Some of it landed on me so I wore it as a scarf, which came in really handy when they ordered pizza. Ross brought in a big bowl of halloween candy and we had dessert too.

I had one glass of punch and lost my ability to type. I had sobered up by the time I went home though, which was pretty much the same time I always go home. I would love to have stayed longer but I had work to do. And I wasn't happy about it since I'm already missing halloween, but if I had stayed I would have just worried myself sick about what I wasn't getting done and probably would have had to cancel Sunday, which is still a possibility. Because I know I'm not getting up early on Saturday to work. I just don't have it in me.

A lot of people will be dressing up to go to work tomorrow. I would go as the goth chick on NCIS that's always drinking slurpees, that is if I had time to put a costume together. So instead I'll wear my favorite orange shirt and leave it at that. Oh well, maybe next year.

Doesn't feel like it. In fact, this is the least birthday-like birthday I've ever had. I worked for 11 hours, had an egg salad sandwich and watched TV. But my neighbor was relatively quiet so I'm OK with it.

They do something kinda cool at DreamWorks on your birthday. You get two balloons, one blue and one white. You get a box of cookies and a card signed by Jeffrey Katzenberg. I found these at my desk when I came back from a class today. I gave away about half the cookies and brought the rest home.

I've been thinking all day, I'd almost rather be 40 than 39. There's something very final about having a 9 in your age, but a 0 makes it feel like you're starting over. I hope I remember that next year. My supervisor, Annmarie, said today that she's deeply scarred from having turned 40. She doesn't look her age either. Must be the light from the computer screen we stare at ten hours a day, freezes the aging process. It's not like any of us spend much time in the sun. Or even artificial light.

You're not imagining that the last four entries have disappeared. It's a new year. Let's just leave it at that.

This is as tense as I have ever been. It's been many years since I've lived in an apartment, since I've had people on top of my head. Tonight the people on top of my head are listening to their stereo, then watching something on their high tech home theater system in full mega bass surround sound. Most of the time the big German guy is just stomping around the apartment, or letting the three-year-old run from one room to the other like a miniature herd of elephants. Tonight I'm getting the full theater experience. Two sneakers thrown at the ceiling have had no effect except to make things worse for me, as my fear of confrontation takes over and I have this waking nightmare of a big German guy knocking on my door at 11pm. What would I say? Something tells me a friendly reminder that quiet hours are from 10pm to 7am would not go over well.

How about the fact that I've had a very long and stressful day and that I don't need to come home and listen to someone else's racket all night. This does not help me unwind. He probably wouldn't care. They usually don't.

He stomped across the apartment and back but never came down. And with that I decided my passive-aggressive reaction wasn't worth the anxiety it caused. I don't remember a time when I walked from room to room, through the living room, back to one bedroom and then across to the other with both hands running through my hair as if I would pull it out with all my fingers at once. I finally stopped in the middle of the living room and decided to sit down again, maybe write about it and see if I unraveled.

You would think a glass of wine would remedy this but as I get older, such things only keep me awake at night with a severe case of restless legs. I don't keep it in the house and I'm not up for going out. Probably couldn't get any this late anyway, even though the local grocery store carries Wild Turkey and vodka. But that's another blog entry altogether.

It's not like I've never heard this guy before. Usually it's not this bad and usually I'm not this bad. I can take a lot when I'm relaxed but that seems to have ended this week as if I'm living on nothing but Sudafed and caffeine. Work finally has work to do but they're still throwing me into so many classes I can't get anywhere. And then when I do, I go to another class that shows me that I just did everything wrong. I get five different instructions from five different people and 30 minutes later I'm back in class not even knowing where I left off. And my supervisor wants me to get to a certain point by tomorrow and I don't even know what point that is anymore.

My lead lighter is on vacation. My regular TD is on vacation too. I have a substitute who's showing me a lot but neither of us really have the time to sit down and just work on it. There are a lot of missing pieces that are the responsibility of people I've never met. They kicked off another sequence yesterday, which means I have two to set up now and I've barely started the one they gave me on Monday. I'm tense. Every muscle in my body is contracted. I spend ten hours a day at work and with all the classes I still get nothing done. And my supervisor's schedule is even worse than mine so she hasn't been able to help me at all.

One more day. There's just one more day in this week. That should be a relief but all I can think about is trying to get 20 hours of freelance work in over the weekend and still have time to do the laundry, pay bills and ride the bike. And get a new bike seat so I can ride past the bridge without coming back with a bruised butt.

The holidays are going to be weird this year. We get the week off between Christmas and New Years. I don't even remember the last time I had a paid holiday (ok, before Labor Day), let alone a week off. They're telling us to take vacation, sick days or no pay but whatever we do, don't come in that week. I don't have vacation yet so I'm thinking sick days, that is if I don't get sick first and use them up. And let me tell you I'm a prime candidate right now. I only have to save up four days because the holidays themselves are paid automatically, but people are starting to drop like flies around there. I stood next to two guys in the elevator today who have been out sick until today. I didn't breathe.

It costs about $400 to fly to OKC. I asked my dad what he wanted to do. He said, "We'll see when we get closer." How much closer? When the ticket costs $500? $600? When my only choice is to land at 4am? My mom is ready to fly me to Denver for either holiday, she just wants to know what I want to do. Holidays have always been hard for me to think only of myself. My whole life has been spent trying to make everyone happy, to see everyone in my family, to not leave anyone out. I spent Christmas at Mom's last year so it was Dad's turn this year. I'm also going to be 39 in three weeks. Why am I still playing visitation rights? I moved to California. I'm not about making everyone else happy anymore.

So I've decided: I'm skipping Thanksgiving. I need some time off. I need to not travel. I need to finish putting my apartment together and ride my bike and work on the web site without feeling like I'm cramming everything into two short days. I need the German guy to go visit some family somewhere that's not here. Germany would be good. And then I'm going to Denver for Christmas and spending the week before New Years alone. I'm about tired of being alone lately but at the same time, I know I need it to get my environment under control.

If I can get the site done by Christmas it can go up the week I'm off, which is also the week they're off, which is why they want it to go up at Christmas. I'm hoping that won't be a hard thing. Maybe I can paint something in between bug fixes. If my initials didn't spell ART I wouldn't even remember the word at all, and I have things to work out. Feelings and frustrations and grave injustices and stuff I can't control. I even have a painting in mind--something that I think would be really cool one minute and then just piss me off the next. Sounds like art to me.

I guess the movie's over upstairs. Maybe I can go to bed now. This Thursday has felt like a Monday, tomorrow damn well better feel like a Friday. I need a Friday. A real one.