I'm starting to think that if you have no direction, perhaps it's best that you don't move.
I've been posting and deleting a lot lately. I'm not sure right now where I want this blog to go. Actually I know where I would like it to go but my head is not aligned with that goal lately, and neither is my free time. I'd like it to be about my job and living in California and in-progress artwork. That last one is a challenge because I'm not going to have time for that for a while. I have ideas though, and when I get them in some visible form, they'll show up here.
I had a very frustrating and stressful weekend. There was too much noise in my apartment for me to relax or concentrate. That resulted in having no recovery time from the past week. I'm hoping this coming weekend and Thanksgiving will be different. I have a lot to get done to ever meet that free-time goal and be an artist again. It's been a very long time since I've been able to do any work for myself and I'm dying to get started on some.
I've spent a lot of time and energy worrying about things I have no control over right now and stressing over regrets I probably don't need to have. I've decided this is the result of many things, but two things in particular. One is that I'm just not at home anymore. I don't miss Texas, but I miss feeling like I'm home. That comes with time, a lot of time. And it comes when you're comfortable where you live. It's hard to be comfortable in a place where you can rarely relax. And it's not just because of the noise, it's because I haven't had time to finish unpacking the apartment. There's a lot of clutter here, it's been here for three months and there's only so long I can put up with clutter. I passed that limit a long time ago, but it would take too much time away from the second job to finish it right now. I'm hoping for some time over Thanksgiving to take care of it. Until then I'm going to remain claustrophobic. Squeezed.
The second problem is work, constant work. Constant pressure to finish something that started almost a year ago, something that has a lot of holes to fill before going public. The pressure was great this past weekend because I couldn't concentrate with little Chariots of Fire running across my ceiling every five minutes. I expect a kid to run once in a while, but not for 48 hours straight. I had a parent at work today tell me yeah, sometimes it's really hard to get your kid to not run in the house. Well duh, of course it's hard. Parenthood is hard. What's your point? If it's hard you don't have to do it? It's hard to get a kid to stop doing anything you don't tell him to stop doing.
Anyway, since I can't change my circumstances right now, and since it's not like I really *have* to make a decision about where my life is going, I'm going to quit focusing on the ambiguity of my future. I'm going to sit still. I'm going to stop worrying about repeating bad decisions by not making any decisions at all, decisions that I'm obviously not ready to make. After all, I don't have to make any. I think that didn't occur to me until today. I've made it to where I wanted to go. I can stop and rest for a while. I've been trying to push myself in some direction because I've never sat still in my life. I've always been moving, working toward some goal. I've finally met a big one and I've been very anxious living with a new question that I have yet to answer: "Now what?" But maybe I don't need to answer it now, maybe it will answer itself. I have no direction. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe I can even enjoy being directionless for a while.
I've based my entire life on the belief that if something's real, it won't end no matter what happens. I guess with everything in my life that's come to a premature end, I've needed to believe that. And I've been feeling very lost lately because a lot of recent events have called that belief into question. But I found out today I was right after all. There really are real things in the world, real things in my own life. Even if they stay at a distance forever I can at least say that part of my world is right side up again.
I've been posting and deleting a lot lately. I'm not sure right now where I want this blog to go. Actually I know where I would like it to go but my head is not aligned with that goal lately, and neither is my free time. I'd like it to be about my job and living in California and in-progress artwork. That last one is a challenge because I'm not going to have time for that for a while. I have ideas though, and when I get them in some visible form, they'll show up here.
I had a very frustrating and stressful weekend. There was too much noise in my apartment for me to relax or concentrate. That resulted in having no recovery time from the past week. I'm hoping this coming weekend and Thanksgiving will be different. I have a lot to get done to ever meet that free-time goal and be an artist again. It's been a very long time since I've been able to do any work for myself and I'm dying to get started on some.
I've spent a lot of time and energy worrying about things I have no control over right now and stressing over regrets I probably don't need to have. I've decided this is the result of many things, but two things in particular. One is that I'm just not at home anymore. I don't miss Texas, but I miss feeling like I'm home. That comes with time, a lot of time. And it comes when you're comfortable where you live. It's hard to be comfortable in a place where you can rarely relax. And it's not just because of the noise, it's because I haven't had time to finish unpacking the apartment. There's a lot of clutter here, it's been here for three months and there's only so long I can put up with clutter. I passed that limit a long time ago, but it would take too much time away from the second job to finish it right now. I'm hoping for some time over Thanksgiving to take care of it. Until then I'm going to remain claustrophobic. Squeezed.
The second problem is work, constant work. Constant pressure to finish something that started almost a year ago, something that has a lot of holes to fill before going public. The pressure was great this past weekend because I couldn't concentrate with little Chariots of Fire running across my ceiling every five minutes. I expect a kid to run once in a while, but not for 48 hours straight. I had a parent at work today tell me yeah, sometimes it's really hard to get your kid to not run in the house. Well duh, of course it's hard. Parenthood is hard. What's your point? If it's hard you don't have to do it? It's hard to get a kid to stop doing anything you don't tell him to stop doing.
Anyway, since I can't change my circumstances right now, and since it's not like I really *have* to make a decision about where my life is going, I'm going to quit focusing on the ambiguity of my future. I'm going to sit still. I'm going to stop worrying about repeating bad decisions by not making any decisions at all, decisions that I'm obviously not ready to make. After all, I don't have to make any. I think that didn't occur to me until today. I've made it to where I wanted to go. I can stop and rest for a while. I've been trying to push myself in some direction because I've never sat still in my life. I've always been moving, working toward some goal. I've finally met a big one and I've been very anxious living with a new question that I have yet to answer: "Now what?" But maybe I don't need to answer it now, maybe it will answer itself. I have no direction. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe I can even enjoy being directionless for a while.
I've based my entire life on the belief that if something's real, it won't end no matter what happens. I guess with everything in my life that's come to a premature end, I've needed to believe that. And I've been feeling very lost lately because a lot of recent events have called that belief into question. But I found out today I was right after all. There really are real things in the world, real things in my own life. Even if they stay at a distance forever I can at least say that part of my world is right side up again.
