It’s been a long time since I got in bed with my laptop before
going to sleep. The laptop has been sitting on my desk for months
keeping track of my email while I write code on the desktop. And it
will continue to do that until this project is over, but tonight I
needed a little blog-time. I’m getting rather frustrated and
impatient and it’s time to vent.
I’ve been working on the auction site for a couple of months now. Luckily the go-live date for the site is on the 4th of July weekend (sucks that it’s on a holiday but it’s good that I have that much time). What really sucks is that I need a full time day job again and I don’t have one. I need something to force me back into a normal sleep schedule. I need something that doesn’t require 60+ hours a week. I need something where I’m not likely to take a pay cut to extend a schedule or ensure that I continue to have a job at all. I need cheaper health insurance and a 401k. And I need to buy a house.
Most of all, I need time to have a life again. Not having one is really weighing on me.
Pixar is coming out with its 10th movie, Up, in a few weeks. I’ve seen a few ads for it lately. And every time I do, I get this twinge of jealousy, anger, self-pity... that sickening feeling of not being good enough. And it makes me not want to see the movie. But even though it would be really easy to be mad at Pixar, or the industry as a whole, I’m not. It’s my current situation. I’m watching what I love pass me by. I have no time to work on my own stuff and I’m not getting any younger. I feel like as soon as I take time for myself, I’m going to get behind schedule, so I don’t take time for myself. It’s not worth the risk. If I were working on the animation I want to do and have wanted to do for years, I would jump at the chance to see Monsters vs. Aliens or Up or whatever came down the pike. I’d kill for the extra inspiration to put into my own work. But I’m not having the life I want and therefore, seeing that life in the distance just pisses me off.
At least it’s temporary. I keep having to remind myself of that, and I have to make the right choices to make sure that it’s really true. I’m glad I’ve had this experience, that I tried doing contract work and working from home. I always wondered if I could do it. I can do it, I just don’t like it. Now I know. I’m ready for a normal life again. And I think I would be happier in it than I ever have been, knowing what the other side is really like. I’m not a fan of instability and I need some sort of imposed structure. Sure, I complain about it when I have it, but I need it. That much is obvious now.
I applied for a job in Nebraska. The title is “weather visualization developer.” That is SO me. It appeals to both the computer graphics programmer and the weather freak in me. And I think I would feel very comfortable in that area of the country. I’m from Oklahoma; flat land feels good to me. I want to see the tornado coming and know I can run in the opposite direction without running into some annoying mountain. I’m also a big fan of corn. Yummy.
Luckily I have a way to log in to the application system and see my status. I applied on April 12 and they haven’t even looked at the application yet. But that’s a government contractor for you, moving at the speed of government. Oh well. It’s better than being all the way through the process and rejected. So there’s still hope. Hope is good.
It’s time to go to the next phase. NOW. But it’s after 5am so maybe I should go to sleep first.
I’ve been working on the auction site for a couple of months now. Luckily the go-live date for the site is on the 4th of July weekend (sucks that it’s on a holiday but it’s good that I have that much time). What really sucks is that I need a full time day job again and I don’t have one. I need something to force me back into a normal sleep schedule. I need something that doesn’t require 60+ hours a week. I need something where I’m not likely to take a pay cut to extend a schedule or ensure that I continue to have a job at all. I need cheaper health insurance and a 401k. And I need to buy a house.
Most of all, I need time to have a life again. Not having one is really weighing on me.
Pixar is coming out with its 10th movie, Up, in a few weeks. I’ve seen a few ads for it lately. And every time I do, I get this twinge of jealousy, anger, self-pity... that sickening feeling of not being good enough. And it makes me not want to see the movie. But even though it would be really easy to be mad at Pixar, or the industry as a whole, I’m not. It’s my current situation. I’m watching what I love pass me by. I have no time to work on my own stuff and I’m not getting any younger. I feel like as soon as I take time for myself, I’m going to get behind schedule, so I don’t take time for myself. It’s not worth the risk. If I were working on the animation I want to do and have wanted to do for years, I would jump at the chance to see Monsters vs. Aliens or Up or whatever came down the pike. I’d kill for the extra inspiration to put into my own work. But I’m not having the life I want and therefore, seeing that life in the distance just pisses me off.
At least it’s temporary. I keep having to remind myself of that, and I have to make the right choices to make sure that it’s really true. I’m glad I’ve had this experience, that I tried doing contract work and working from home. I always wondered if I could do it. I can do it, I just don’t like it. Now I know. I’m ready for a normal life again. And I think I would be happier in it than I ever have been, knowing what the other side is really like. I’m not a fan of instability and I need some sort of imposed structure. Sure, I complain about it when I have it, but I need it. That much is obvious now.
I applied for a job in Nebraska. The title is “weather visualization developer.” That is SO me. It appeals to both the computer graphics programmer and the weather freak in me. And I think I would feel very comfortable in that area of the country. I’m from Oklahoma; flat land feels good to me. I want to see the tornado coming and know I can run in the opposite direction without running into some annoying mountain. I’m also a big fan of corn. Yummy.
Luckily I have a way to log in to the application system and see my status. I applied on April 12 and they haven’t even looked at the application yet. But that’s a government contractor for you, moving at the speed of government. Oh well. It’s better than being all the way through the process and rejected. So there’s still hope. Hope is good.
It’s time to go to the next phase. NOW. But it’s after 5am so maybe I should go to sleep first.
