I just went to see Up. Holy crap. Say what you will about
Pixar's elitist attitude toward its competition (not to mention
potential employees who have the audacity to try to submit their reels
at SIGGRAPH), but they really are the best storytellers in the
business. I don't know how they come up with this stuff. Their latest
work is absolutely NEVER predictable. Not once in the entire movie. I
was glued the entire time and remain in a stupor over it even at this
moment.
What I mean by "elitist attitude" is this: I read an
article on CNN.com the other day about the movie, and for some reason
this article had to make a thinly veiled dig at Dreamworks. Get this:
"And though there are occasional pop-cultural references, such as those
favored by Pixar's competition, in general the humor is organic to the
story."
Ok, so what's your point? It's true that too many pop
cultural references can kill a story's ability to become timeless, and that
was a complaint I had about Shrek (besides the fact that he
seemed too light on his feet). But did they really need to say
that? Is their success not enough as it is? And by the way, WHO CARES? Shrek was a great movie whether it was filled with pop-cultural references or not. In fact, audiences loved that about it. Maybe that's what bugs Pixar so much, the fact that Dreamworks regularly gives them a run for their money using a different formula. But Dreamworks' success can in no way be Pixar's failure, so I don't see why such a thing even needed to be said. Surely the article's author
didn't come up with that on his own. There had to be some sort of
influence there. How rude.
But would I take a job from Pixar if offered? HELLS YEAH... maybe. There might be a personality issue there that's worth a little more research. Dreamworks? HELLS YEAH DEFINITELY. I've heard nothing but good things about their work environment and how they treat their employees. Frankly, some of my friends at Pixar seem a bit beaten down these days.
Anyway,
that has nothing to do with the title of this entry. What this movie
did was seal the deal for me. I'm outta here. I don't know when, I
don't know how, but I'm outta here. It's time to finish what I started.
I
just had the best movie credits experience ever. I've always had
friends in the credits, but this was different. There are always those
credits at the very beginning of the list, the elite few who basically
run the show before you get to the big long list of everyone. And for
the first time, I knew someone in that group. In fact, I know TWO
PEOPLE in that group: John Halstead (Sets Supervisor) and Gary Bruins
(Effects Supervisor). My friends have finally made it into management.
In fact, Gary was in MY CLASS.
That's what seals it for me.
It's time to make this happen. I'm outta here. Maybe Dreamworks is my
in. It might even be where I stay. Maybe in August, maybe later, it doesn't matter. Timing is
everything and when it happens, it will be perfect. I know it sounds like a cliche but it's always worked for me so shut up.
Now I have a web site to finish.
I called Dreamworks. They called back almost immediately. Turns out they're hiring a couple of lighting TAs in August and I'm officially a backup candidate for an interview. They were interviewing three people for two positions and they've already passed on one of them so the recruiter I talked to asked for an updated resume for the review on Monday. Then she'll get back to me.
I know in a situation like this, it's probably a bad idea to get my hopes up. Those other two people could be exactly what they're looking for and that's that. But I found it interesting that the recruiter told me there was a note on my resume from the last time I talked to them, which said, "Find out how much programming she's done." Holy crap, how much time do you have?
This has been an odd week. First, I actually leave the house and go see a movie, which I really enjoy. Then I go into some kind of funk for two days, complete with headaches right between my eyes. Then I realize that I've let my fear of change squelch my dreams again, so I decide I'm mad at myself. I go find my contact info for Dreamworks and call them. I feel better. In fact, I feel A LOT better just from making the call. And I might even get an interview out of it, which will tell me what I really need to know - whether I really want this. And when I find out, hopefully it will be based on real information and not what my imagination creates out of its own fear of change.
It's amazing how many excuses you can come up with to not do something when you're afraid.
Oh yeah, here's the cool part. It's not at Dreamworks in LA. It's at Dreamworks in Redwood City, as in 45 MINUTES FROM SAN FRANCISCO.
I'm excited about my life again! And boy has this lit a fire under my butt to get this web site done. Not that I needed another fire under me, but it helps to have something to look forward to, even if you don't know if you really have it to look forward to or not. I'm going to look forward to it until they tell me not to. So there.
I left my last entry with a question: What the hell do I want anyway? And I'm not writing again tonight because I think I suddenly have an answer. Actually, I have a lot more questions.
Somewhere along the way I started to give up on this dream again. I don't know what it was, the trouble of making it come true, the culture shock of giving up a really comfortable lifestyle for the chance to have no money and nowhere to park, the question of what to do with my piano in the meantime... in any case, I've been heading for a different life over the past few months than the life I was heading for this time last year. And that was fine, until this weekend.
Last night I wrote about Monsters vs Aliens. And all at once the life I was trying to achieve - owning a house, getting a steady programming job in Nebraska or Colorado, doing my own work on the side - suddenly it was beyond dull. I hated it. I felt like I was settling again, giving up on myself.
I don't know what this means. Maybe it's good that I'm too busy right now to make any real plans. Or maybe things keep NOT working out because I'm not looking in the right direction to begin with. I started to think, why did seeing that movie put me in such a funk? I actually felt angry today. I wasn't angry at my friends in the business or the industry for being so hard to get into, I think I was angry at myself. And angry at all the people whose lives would be made easier if I just stayed close to home. Believe me, there's a lot of family in that category.
They would be supportive though, no matter what I do. If it's what I really want to do, and if it made me happy, they would be supportive. They're not the problem. I'm the problem.
All this time I've been thinking, when I die I want to be able to say, I did that. I tried that, I worked on that movie, I was there. And all this time I've been thinking, that's not enough to actually do it, as big a move as it is, for so little money and security. Wanting to be able to say I did it just isn't a good enough reason to do something that huge. But what if it is?
A couple of months ago I was called by a recruiter at Dreamworks, and I pretty much blew that off. I was already committed on my current project, I didn't know when it was going to end, and I didn't want to get pigeonholed into doing one little task over and over and over again as a career. But I wrote down her name and number anyway. And I still have it. I was pretty sure I was going to blow that off for good but for some reason, I kept it. And now it's sitting right next to me in front of my clock radio. That means something. I guess something inside me isn't ready to give up yet.
I guess the idea wouldn't be nearly so cool if it wasn't so hard to achieve. I never was one to do anything the easy way. But I really want to keep the piano. I hope I can keep the piano. I really do.
I've been asking myself that question ever since all these animations have been coming out in 3D. Is it additive or multiplicative - 6D or 9D?
Saturday night I decided dammit, I'm leaving the house. And I did. I went to see Monsters vs. Aliens. I hadn't intended to see it in 3D; I was convinced it would be a distraction. And it's been out long enough that many theaters are showing just the normal flat version now. So I got out the laptop and tracked down a showing. Most of them had already shown around 3pm and I didn't get up that day until 4. So the only one I found after that time was at 6:40 and it was in 3D. Oh well. I was leaving the house and seeing a movie and that was that.
I have to say, it was NOT a distraction. It's not like the days where you sat there with paper glasses cutting into your nose, one red eye and one blue eye. They give you these plastic sunglasses where both eyes are the same, and the quality is stunning. I'm a believer now. Not only that, but I'm calling my optometrist first thing Tuesday morning (after the holiday) and making an appointment. I ran out of contacts a month ago and I don't want to try to wear those things over my regular glasses when I go see Up next weekend. Because that really was annoying, having those glasses slide down my nose every few minutes. But it wasn't nearly as annoying as when the three-year-old two rows behind me threw a wet gummy worm into my lap. But I digress.
9D. That's the answer.
I came out of that movie with mixed feelings. I didn't really wonder if I should have taken the Sony job. But there I was again, watching the credits roll by, peppered with the names of friends and acquaintances. They're doing it. Sure, I don't know what their lives are like... I know some of them have moved around quite a bit, studio to studio, California city to California city. Do I want to do that? Not necessarily. But they're involved, they're doing the work. They can say they were there. And there's that twinge of jealousy again... actually I'm not jealous of any of them. I just have this need to be able to say, I was there too.
I just don't know how to get there and still have the life that I want. The life that I want though, the one I've been working toward for the past few months, Nebraska, Colorado, whatever... all of a sudden it seems really dull. Like right at this moment, as I write this, it all just became disturbingly dull. Now what does that mean?
What the hell do I want anyway?
Nebraska said no. Or maybe I should say, those nerds at Northrop Grumman in Nebraska said no.
You know what really gets me? I checked my application status every day since I applied (April 12 to be exact), and every day it said "Candidate Pool." That's the very first stage before a recruiter actually looks at your application. So the day I got my rejection, I checked and it said "Candidate Pool." Ten minutes after I checked, I got an email that said "Management has thoroughly reviewed your resume and do not believe this position is a good fit with your current skills and experience."
So does that mean that it only takes ten minutes for management to "thoroughly" review my resume, or does that mean the recruiter considers herself "management" and it only takes her ten minutes to "thoroughly" review my resume, or does it mean no one actually updates that system until they want to cross you off the list, or does it just mean like most HR departments, they're feeding me a load of crap?
Well never mind. I did have my heart set on an interview for that one. Anything with weather in it would be really interesting for me. And anything not in Texas would be well worth a try. I'm in a position to go absolutely anywhere I want and I can't even get my foot in the door.
Now get this. I applied months ago for a job in medical simulation in Denver. I never heard a word. Today they relisted the job with a few more specifics - skills I don't have - but then added a line at the bottom: "LOCAL COLORADO candidates only please. We do not offer relocation assistance for this position."
Now I ask you, what does one have to do with the other? Or more to the point, why do they automatically assume that if you don't live there, you're going to try to mooch off them to get you up there? I could get there on my own if I needed to, and I don't think it's fair to count a person out based on their current location just because you assume they're going to need money to make the move. You don't know that, so at least ask them before you interview them. If they say yes they need help, then tell them you don't offer it and let them make the decision to go forward or not.
Lazy. That's all it is. They don't want to talk to any more people than they absolutely have to. It must be nice to have a job you can take for granted like that while you hold the lives of others in your hands. But who cares if WE have a job or not, or even a timely, honest response from HR, just so long as YOUR job is secure.
I sure would like to know where I'm going in this life, while I work seven days a week with no time to myself. If I knew what was in store, or just had something to look forward to, it would make this situation a lot easier to take. But it doesn't work that way. I'm just tired and frustrated. I haven't had a weekend off since February. I haven't had a paid holiday since Memorial Day 2008. I went to bed at 10 this morning and got up at 2:30. I have PMS. This is not a good day. I only hope it turns into a good life while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.
It's been a long time since I got in bed with my laptop before going to sleep. The laptop has been sitting on my desk for months keeping track of my email while I write code on the desktop. And it will continue to do that until this project is over, but tonight I needed a little blog-time. I'm getting rather frustrated and impatient and it's time to vent.
I've been working on the auction site for a couple of months now. Luckily the go-live date for the site is on the 4th of July weekend (sucks that it's on a holiday but it's good that I have that much time). What really sucks is that I need a full time day job again and I don't have one. I need something to force me back into a normal sleep schedule. I need something that doesn't require 60+ hours a week. I need something where I'm not likely to take a pay cut to extend a schedule or ensure that I continue to have a job at all. I need cheaper health insurance and a 401k. And I need to buy a house.
Most of all, I need time to have a life again. Not having one is really weighing on me.
Pixar is coming out with its 10th movie, Up, in a few weeks. I've seen a few ads for it lately. And every time I do, I get this twinge of jealousy, anger, self-pity... that sickening feeling of not being good enough. And it makes me not want to see the movie. But even though it would be really easy to be mad at Pixar, or the industry as a whole, I'm not. It's my current situation. I'm watching what I love pass me by. I have no time to work on my own stuff and I'm not getting any younger. I feel like as soon as I take time for myself, I'm going to get behind schedule, so I don't take time for myself. It's not worth the risk. If I were working on the animation I want to do and have wanted to do for years, I would jump at the chance to see Monsters vs. Aliens or Up or whatever came down the pike. I'd kill for the extra inspiration to put into my own work. But I'm not having the life I want and therefore, seeing that life in the distance just pisses me off.
At least it's temporary. I keep having to remind myself of that, and I have to make the right choices to make sure that it's really true. I'm glad I've had this experience, that I tried doing contract work and working from home. I always wondered if I could do it. I can do it, I just don't like it. Now I know. I'm ready for a normal life again. And I think I would be happier in it than I ever have been, knowing what the other side is really like. I'm not a fan of instability and I need some sort of imposed structure. Sure, I complain about it when I have it, but I need it. That much is obvious now.
I applied for a job in Nebraska. The title is "weather visualization developer." That is SO me. It appeals to both the computer graphics programmer and the weather freak in me. And I think I would feel very comfortable in that area of the country. I'm from Oklahoma; flat land feels good to me. I want to see the tornado coming and know I can run in the opposite direction without running into some annoying mountain. I'm also a big fan of corn. Yummy.
Luckily I have a way to log in to the application system and see my status. I applied on April 12 and they haven't even looked at the application yet. But that's a government contractor for you, moving at the speed of government. Oh well. It's better than being all the way through the process and rejected. So there's still hope. Hope is good.
It's time to go to the next phase. NOW. But it's after 5am so maybe I should go to sleep first.
